


Lack of Experience Doesn't Equal Lack of Skill, You Bastaaards!

by Selyann



Category: Gintama
Genre: Fourth Wall, Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-05
Updated: 2012-07-05
Packaged: 2017-11-15 07:11:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/524558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selyann/pseuds/Selyann
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kagura asks a question, Gintoki avoids answering it and Katsura drops by. Just a normal day at the Odd Jobs - or is it really?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lack of Experience Doesn't Equal Lack of Skill, You Bastaaards!

**Author's Note:**

> I think my sense of humour is a bit awkward, ahaha.

It all began with a seemingly simple question.

‘Gin-chan, what’s kissing like, uh-huh?’

For some reason, Shinpachi suddenly started coughing noisily, accompanied by the sound of paper tearing.

‘Kagura, you can’t have said what I think you said, so could you say it again? I think I misheard it. No, in fact I’m sure I’ve got it all wrong. Would you be so kind as to repeat?’ asked Gintoki from behind what used to be the new issue of Weekly Shounen Jump, but was now two miserable halves with pages falling out.

The alien girl looked at him incredulously from the spot on the sofa where she sprawled, picking her nose. ‘I asked, what’s kissing like?’

Shinpachi pushed his glasses up lightly and tactfully went back to sweeping the floor of Gintoki’s quarters.

‘Oi, oi, Kagura, what brought this on? Brats your age should be interested in pop idols, food and wasting their time doing pointless things.’

‘Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s you, Gin-san,’ muttered Shinpachi under his breath.

Before his silver-haired employer could retort, Kagura spoke up, admiring the bogey on her finger, ‘They do that a lot on Ladies Four and all those soppy films for adults, uh-huh. But it seems boring. I don’t understand why people are so obsessed with it.’

Sadaharu barked loudly, as if in agreement.

Gintoki furrowed his brow and massaged his temples before looking up again, his gaze most serious. ‘Well, there’s a very good reason for this, Kagura, and that is ...’

‘That is ...?’

‘That is ...’

There followed a pregnant pause in which Kagura and Gintoki stared intently into each other’s eyes.

‘Shinpachi, explain it to her,’ Gintoki finished in a deadpan voice.

‘What’s with all the tension and serious aura if you didn’t even intend to explain it to Kagura-chan! What was that long pause for! Why are you just slapping it all on me as if it’s a normal thing to do!’ roared the glasses-wearing boy, no longer pretending that he was not listening.

Gintoki pushed his little finger into his ear and sighed exasperatedly. ‘Oi, oi, Pattsuan, I’m disappointed. Look,’ he began explaining, ‘if I try to describe it to Kagura, it will just turn dirty. We need someone plain to explain it to her in the blandest way possible, or else that baldy will have my head for corrupting his daughter’s mind.’

‘Gin-chan, that’s okay, you’re not interrupting my mind, uh-huh,’ Kagura piped up, sucking on a stripe of sukonbu.

‘Kagura-chan, he said “corrupt”, not “interrupt”. And Gin-san? I understand that I’m a ... plain ... character ... but could you at least try not to bring me down every single episode?’ said Shinpachi, his voice getting quieter with every next word.

‘Pattsuan, you’re so stupid, uh-huh,’ Kagura scoffed. ‘This is not anime, it’s fan fiction,’

‘O – oh. Right.’

And the room fell silent again. As the Yato girl stared absently at the television, on which the news was being broadcast, Shinpachi and Gintoki heaved a sigh of relief at managing to avoid answering her simple-yet-complicated question.

‘I should have known asking you was no use, uh-huh. You guys are failures at life, bet you’ve never kissed before.’

Gintoki’s expression darkened. ‘Oi, Kagura ... What did you –?’

‘Cherry boy, uh-huh,’ mumbled Kagura provocatively.

‘I’m not! I may have not kissed much, but I’m good at it!’ screamed Gintoki, slamming his fists on the desk.

‘Yeah, right,’ she muttered with disbelief.

‘I have kissed! I’m not that miserable a person!’

‘Sure.’

‘I HA—!’

‘Prove it.’

‘... Huh?’ Gintoki blinked.

‘Prove it and I’ll believe you, uh-huh,’ said Kagura, challenge audible in her voice.

The samurai stared at her blankly. ‘Kagura, just how do you want me to prove that?’

She pondered it, a look of concentration adorning her face. Gintoki thought he had won and she would not come up with anything, until she said, ‘Aha!’

‘“Aha!” what?’

‘Bring the person here; if they say you’re not lying, then I’ll believe you!’ she beamed.

‘Not going to happen.’

‘Why?’

‘Can’t be bothered.’ He waved his hand dismissively.

Kagura puffed her cheeks out. ‘You’re just saying that because you were lying, uh-huh.’

‘Was not,’ he groaned.

‘Then, who was it?’ she inquired flatly.

‘Eh? Who, you ask ... That –’

‘Takasugi,’ said a voice from the entrance. There leaning against the door frame stood none other than Kotarou Katsura, a thoughtful expression on his face. He opened his eyes, gave them a serious look and opened his mouth to speak again.

‘It’s a lie!’ shrieked Gintoki.

‘Woof!’

‘Oh, Sadaharu-dono!’ Katsura cried out and threw himself onto the fluffy dog.

‘Don’t appear so suddenly, reveal shocking information and then ignore me, you bastard!’ Gintoki bellowed across the room.

Kagura looked at the scene blankly. ‘Sadaharu, Zura is abusing you. Bite his head off.’

‘What are you saying, Lead—?’

_Chomp._

‘Zura, what the hell are you doing in my house?’ asked Gintoki with annoyance.

Katsura succeeded in freeing his head, although there was a trickle of blood running down his face. ‘It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura. I was passing by and overheard you talking, so I decided to join in.’

‘Please, go die. You’re a nuisance,’ Gintoki moaned and fell to his desk.

Instead, Katsura sauntered to a sofa opposite to the one Kagura was occupying, and seated himself there. ‘That’s not how you greet an old friend, Gintoki. What happened to your manners? Have you forgotten the teachings of Shouyou-sensei?’ he asked with disappointment.

‘Have you had your brain removed? You just barge in yet have the gall to lecture me on my manners? Get a reality check, bastard!’

‘Gintoki –’

‘Oi, Zura,’ Kagura interrupted. ‘You guys are getting boring, uh-huh. What did you say about Gin-chan’s kiss?’

‘It was with Takasugi.’

‘No, it wasn’t!’ cried Gintoki. ‘I don’t remember anything like that!’

Kagura seemed to be interested, for she was looking at Katsura intently. ‘Zura, tell me more about it.’

‘Very well, then.’

Gintoki slammed his head against the desk. ‘Don’t ignore me, damn it!’

Katsura closed his eyes for a moment, as if mentally preparing himself and trying to remember all of the crucial details. Kagura looked at him expectantly. The silence continued, and after a minute the girl’s patience was about to run out.

That was when they all heard a soft snore.

Annoyed, Kagura dashed to his side, clutched the front of his kimono and started shaking him violently. ‘Oi, Zura! Wake up! Don’t you fall asleep just as you’re about to begin, Zura!’ she yelled with a threatening glint in her eyes.

Katsura opened his eyes wide. ‘Oh, that’s right. Where was I? It happened back when we were still under the tutelage of Shouyou-sensei –’

‘Don’t feed her lies! Nothing happened back then! Oi, are you listening?’

‘– and we were but children. Gintoki and Takasugi didn’t get on well; frankly speaking I hated Takasugi myself and the feeling was mutual, as he’d waste no opportunity to express that. For example, once he attempted to push me into the river and drown me. Fortunately, Shouyou-sensei was there and he –’

‘Zura, you’re getting off topic, uh-huh,’ Kagura remarked.

‘Well, as I was saying, we didn’t get on too well. And Takasugi would also display his dislike for Gintoki quite openly, they provoked each other every single day –’

‘Zura,’ said Kagura alarmingly and narrowed her eyes.

Katsura blinked and gave her a sincere look. ‘Wait, Leader. All of this is relevant. So one day before Shouyou-sensei came to class, Takasugi went to Gintoki’s seat in the back, grabbed the front of his kimono, and that’s how it happened.’

‘What? That’s too much of a shortcut, uh-huh! What was all the useless information at the beginning for? What exactly happened? Oi, Zura!’ said Kagura, looking at him intently.

‘Well, if you _really_ want to know –’

‘Don’t go there, Zura!’ Gintoki screamed. ‘You really don’t have to make up stuff any more! You’ve been in the spotlight long enough already!’

‘– Takasugi was so occupied with glowering at Gintoki and spewing insults that he didn’t notice Tobio-kun –’

‘ _Who the hell is Tobio-kun!_ ’ cried Gintoki.

‘– who was just passing by and accidentally pushed Takasugi, making him crash into Gintoki. As luck would have it, they ended up in a perfectly aligned kiss.’

Kagura began rolling on the sofa in a fit of obnoxious laughter, clutching her sides. ‘Bwahaha! Gin-chan, that’s so pathetic!’

‘Hold it! Why does it sound so familiar! When did this series turn into _Naruto_?’ Gintoki shouted hysterically.

Katsura looked at him with a solemn face. ‘Gintoki, no matter how you look at it, Takasugi is an _old comrade_ who wants to _destroy the world_ in order to _avenge someone dear to him_. Not to mention the fan service, you know how Takasugi’s chest is always so shamelessly exposed –’

‘Zura, what exactly have you been looking at?’ Gintoki deadpanned.

‘– so the only logical conclusion is that he and Sasuke –’ Katsura suddenly broke off and gasped. ‘Gintoki, what if ...’

Gintoki stared at him blankly. ‘What is it?’

‘... What if Takasugi’s got a Sharingan under that bandage?’

‘That’s what you’re worried about? Are you an idiot?’ Gintoki bellowed. ‘What’s up with you people and all the _Naruto_ references! Is it the end of _Gintama_? Goodbye, _Gintama_! Welcome, _Naru_ — like hell I’d let that happen!’

‘Shut up, you annoying perm!’ a yell from the lower floor resounded.

Gintoki groaned, ‘Stupid old hag ...’

‘Gin-chan is into guys! Gin-chan is into guys!’ Kagura teased loudly, imitating kiss noises.

‘I’M NOT!’ he cried.

‘Gin-san, I think Otose-san is right, you should keep your voices –’

‘Pattsuan, nobody cares about that! Everyone’s forgotten you’re in this fan fic already, uh-huh! Queen Kagura is the heroine again!’ she boasted.

‘Just how insignificant is my role?’ Shinpachi roared.

‘The author probably hates you,’ suggested Kagura.

‘It’s a lie ... No ... Why does ... Why can’t I be anyone’s number one favourite character? Why ...?’

Gintoki sighed. ‘Shinpachi, don’t worry. You’ll get a bigger role eventually.’ He patted the boy on the back.

‘Gin-san ...’ Shinpachi whispered, moved by the unusual act of kindness. ‘Thank y—’

‘Yeah! When constipation strikes, uh-huh!’

‘... Kagura-chan, I think you meant “inspiration” ...’

**Author's Note:**

> Apparently the guy who made that kiss between Naruto and Sasuke happen is called Tobio, so ... :')


End file.
